Dealing with Grief

I'm sure I've mentioned in previous posts that my mum passed away close to Christmas and partly due to this and another couple of childhood experiences, I've dealt with recessive depression since then. I've been on medication for my depression and while it worked for a while, it would stop working at some point so I've spent a lot of time just dealing with it without medication.

I have needed professional support through this and I have sought it out. I feel like I exhausted the "logical" assistances that were available to me so in the last year, I've turned to more spiritual help. I've used crystals but the main thing that has helped is music.

Music has always had a profound effect on me and I do have a tendency to put certain music on depending on my mood. But part of my journey with grief has been made easier by a particular song called Memories by Maroon 5. It's all about being grateful for those you still have in your life, while acknowledging that there are those we have lost. I listened to it on repeat so much that YouTube found a 1 hour long video that was just that one song repeated over and over. I found this song in December 2021 and now whenever I am struggling at all with the loss of my mum, I listen to it and a few other choice songs, and I feel better within myself in a short amount of time.

I don't remember watching a particular film with a lovable green "Scrooge" in December 2021 but I did watch it as part of my Yuletide "countdown" in 2022. I know the Christian and pagan stories of Christmas/Yule, but I never really properly celebrated anything at this time of year. It pretty much became just another day for me but for 2022 it was different. There is a particular song that is sung in the film called "Where are you Christmas?" (it's also sung over the end credits by Faith Hill) and I always felt a connection to it because I associated it with my disconnect to this time of the year. But this year, I feel like this song was speaking to me about the loss of my mum, how I used to ask myself whether she was with me, and how I used to feel so disconnected from her.

But grief itself has 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I don't know for certain but I think that denial was a very short stage for me because I remember having an angry breakdown at school the summer after my mum passed, and I think it happened between May and July. I don't know what happened with my bargaining stage but depression is definitely the one stage that I've been stuck in for so many years.

I do miss my mum, and being able to share things with her but I feel like in the last 12-ish months, I've reached that acceptance stage. I know she's gone but her passing no longer fills me with a sadness that threatens to engulf me at least four times a year. I've been able to deal with the "difficult" dates in a much better way than I ever have before. I've never been able to treat these dates as "normal" dates before so to be able to do what I've needed and carry on with my life, it's been unreal!

I have an ancestor altar set up in my living room in a place where I see it every day and it has a photo of my mum front and centre. The altar also has figurines and candles on it that make me think of my mum's energy. The only time anything changes on it is around Christmas when I put a memorial photo in place of the usual photo, and cute little figurines that I feel should be there. One thing that stays on my ancestor altar is an apache tear obsidian that I bought a few years ago because it was said to help with grief.

There is something else that I do in the lead up to Christmas: on the anniversary of my mum's passing, I turn off the lights on my Wheel of the Year tree. This "tradition" started when I was a child to signify that a light had been stolen from my life and the lives of her family. I continue it to this day and have certain ornaments on my tree just for my mum.

At the end of November 2022, I did a course called "Healing Your Life with Crystals" with the Centre of Excellence and in the course materials, apache tear was mentioned as helping with the acceptance stage of grief. It was nice to have it confirmed that I'd chosen the right crystal to help me with my grief. Through this course, it was again confirmed that grief isn't a straight line through each stage as we can return to other stages as we move through life.

It's not that I no longer miss my mum because I do. It's more that I've reached a place within myself that allows me to not be affected by my grief so much. It also helps that I've had some mediumship readings, as well as making contact with my mum myself, that has brought home the idea that my mum would be proud of me and where I am in my life. She did a lot for me while she was alive and all I've ever wanted was to keep her memory alive and live in a way that she would be proud of me for.

Since December 2021 and finding a new way of dealing with my grief, I've been able to do a lot more for myself, like getting my home clean and organised and keeping it that way. It took until November 2022 for me to actually get used to this new version of me but I've become comfortable with the idea that I can be proud of myself for what I've achieved.

I should point out that I haven't been alone because I've had support from friends and this has meant the world to me. If it weren't for the support of my friends, I don't think I'd be where I am today. Every day, I give thanks for them and the love they have shown me over the years. They have given me hope and love whenever I have needed it and I have tried to do the same for them.

Grief is not an easy road to walk but I am glad to have reached this point in my journey. I will always miss the presence of my mum in my life but now that sadness won't cripple me as it used to. My grief has healed to a point I've never experienced before and I give thanks for all the support and help I've received along this journey.

I hope this gives you hope if you too have suffered a loss. The pain will decrease as time goes on, so just remember to be easy on yourself. There's no rush as to how quickly you go through the stages of grief so take as long as you feel you need to heal this part of you. Don't be afraid to feel the emotions.

Peace and love to all!!